When I began this site and really the exploration of myself as an artist, a painter anyway, I did so because I was inspired by my partner. She had a way of saying go for it that gave me a freedom to explore I would not otherwise give myself. For that I thank her.

A number of the posts I have done here to date were written in a sense to her specifically, or at least I included something about her, I wanted her to be a part of what I was doing, what she had helped inspire in me and I hoped she would read the posts and feel the love I was giving. I don’t know that she ever read any of them, at least she never said she did and she was not one to not show her appreciation for kind words and feeling included.

That relationship has ended. I am sad for the passing of the relationship. It ebbs and flows. It is still a new change and my time alone has just begun and in the solace there is sadness and there is loneliness and that is okay. I need to feel these things.

Three years ago my grandmother passed away. She was probably the person, aside from my children that I have the most love for on this planet. The day of her funeral was the saddest day of my life. I cried and felt such despair I didn’t even know was possible. I hated feeling that way. I chose not to feel anymore and for the last couple of years I have only felt superficially, but these last few weeks, those walls came crashing down.

I have felt great love and great sadness in the last few weeks and as much as the sadness hurts, I have enjoyed every minute of feeling again. Every minute.

When a relationship ends you go through a lot of different things, right now it is in the ugly throws of death, lashing out, hurting, gasping and clawing at the skin. I am sad and most importantly, despite that sadness I have to stay true to myself and the path before me.

I painted this on some paper earlier to hang in the house as a reminder, to not engage, to not let the claws sink in and pull me in to a place I don’t want or need to be, to break the cycle. I let go, but sometimes, we still need a reminder in the late hours when our mind is not as resilient as our heart needs it to be…

I don’t know how much painting I will do this summer, especially Scrye Dye, some I imagine. There might be a goodbye piece in me somewhere. We’ll see what comes about.